The one thing bar staff would agree on is that the customer is NOT always right. Here’s some of the idiots they have to put up with on a daily basis:
- The customer who totally ignores your open palm and dumps their money into that great, dirty puddle of beer slops.
Naturally the polite thing to do is to place the change right back into that sticky puddle.
- The customer who orders a round. One. At. A. Time.
Because you know, I only work behind a bar and so I’m totally incapable of remembering more than one drink. This knob will usually order a Guinness last too.
- The ‘WHEEEEY’ers whenever you break a glass.
Better flee the country quick from the embarrassment.
- The customer who forgets where they are and orders coffee when the bar is ridiculously busy.
Café’s down the road, mate. Or there’s that thing called a kettle back home in your kitchen.
- The cheapskate who cracks the whole bar up by shouting about how they ‘don’t want half a pint’, insisting you top up their beer.
Top comedian, this one.
- The customer who thinks you’re their BFF.
You spoke to them once. But now they throw you a wink asking for ‘the usual’ while thinking it’s okay to tell you every detail of their recent divorce.
- The casual racists.
It’s absolutely fine to chuck the drink into the customer’s ignorant face.
- The customer who knocks the bar to get your attention.
Well done, I’m now motivated to go extra slow just to piss you off even more.
- The customer who thinks it’s perfectly acceptable to say inappropriate things despite you being young enough to be their grandchild.
These charmers will continue oblivious to you gagging into their pint.
- The customer who moans about the price.
Shouts of ‘HOW MUCH?!’ echo through the bar as their pride seeps out the door. How dare I charge such extortionate prices which I too have to pay on my minimum wage salary?!
- The customer who pays in 5ps.
‘I’ll just get rid of this shrapnel’ is the most ominous sentence ever.
- The customers pretty much having sex on the bar.
Three words: get a room. Or at least move out the way so I can clean up.
- The customer who thinks they’re at home and dictates what’s on the TV.
Clearly they’re forgetting the basic rule: whoever has the remote control is in charge.
- The millionaire who pulls out a wad of fifties to pay.
Oh. Wow. We’re all so jealous of you getting paid in cash and not using a bank account like normal people.
- The customer who complains to get a free drink.
You’re full of sympathy for them when they present you with the dregs at the bottom of a glass and insist on how it ‘just doesn’t taste right’.
- The cocky underagers who have ‘forgot their ID’.
You shouldn’t be too harsh, it took him a whole month to grow those three strands on his top lip.
- The group with ten pints each on the table when closing time was an hour ago.
No, I don’t have anywhere better to be other than gazing fondly at a group of drunks shouting complete shit. Fun!
- The customer who tells you to ‘smile!’ constantly.
As I’m not a clown, a smile isn’t painted on my face 24/7 because sometimes there’s actually nothing to smile about. Hard to believe, but unfortunately very true.
- The customer who ordered the wrong drink but expects you to change it for free.
Oh sorry, what a silly sausage I am forgetting your wife doesn’t drink tonic.
- The customer who thinks you’ve got a thing with your colleague just because they’re the opposite sex.
Yep, how could I resist? As soon as I realised he was an actual guy I lost control.
On a positive note, the people behind the beer taps share the trauma too; working in a bar may be dire but you make the best friends who pull you through the hard times.